I have a writing prompt from a dear friend of mine that we’re doing together this weekend which is: “What’s more healing: laughter or tears?” So, of course, I’m going to distract and delay and write about Valentine’s Day :)

Not St. Valentine. That involves beheadings and you will never see, hear, or look at Valentine’s Day the same again. I’m talking about the Hallmark Holiday.

I am a romantic at heart (or used to be, if that is still in me is tbd) in the most commercialized and Western sense of the word. Chocolate. Flowers. Hearts. Poems. Notes. Letters. Gifts. Cooking. Desserts. Hugs. Kisses. Affection. Desire. Devotion. Passion. Amour.

I remember I got the largest Valentine’s Day card in Grade 2 from Laurel. It was both the biggest one she gave out, the biggest one I got, and the biggest one in the class. I’m still living off of that high. There is this ongoing joke/meme that a guy will remember the one time in 2009 when a woman said he looked good in a sweater. Can confirm.

I used to love Valentine’s Day so much. Not all of it was in a healthy way. It was a day that I could get what I loved (all the things listed above), usually without asking. I didn’t have to put in the work to understand what I wanted or needed and then be vulnerable and communicate it. While I did communicate what I wanted, because I didn’t know or understand myself that well, I sometimes would be disappointed when I received whatever that thing was. It usually was because I got exactly what I asked for, instead of something that matched the underlying need behind it.

Anyway, I got to receive love and attention in the way that I loved. So, was it selfish? Maybe. Fulfilling? Usually. Unhealthy? Definitely.

One year when my ex-wife was in a different city and time-zone, helping out some friends of ours, Valentine’s Day happened when she was there. I discreetly shipped a love-care package beforehand and coordinated the timing with them so she would wake up with it on Valentine’s Day. It seemed to be a success and I had put a lot of thought and time into it. So as the day progressed on my end, my underlying expectation was that I’d find something somewhere at home or that she’d say or send something. I got more and more disappointed and then just finally outright texted her and asked if I was missing anything in the house from her. Nope. She didn’t do anything at all. That was a heart and soul-crushing day.

So in the years after we separated, each Valentine’s Day has some large feelings around it. As I try to unpack and understand what it is that I want and need, I try to give that to myself. It most definitely is not the same, and it’s helpful. One year I watched “About Time” and had some whisky sours. One year I got a Cameo from Felicia Day that was surprisingly personal and relevant (I was expecting super generic). This year I’m not sure but I’m leaning towards some fancy-ass chocolates and ice-wine. Definitely a romantic movie, just not sure if happy romantic or sad romantic. We’ll see.

I have done quite a bit of polling in my peer group and a lot of them don’t subscribe to the day and state “They try to show love all the time, not just on one day”. I get that sentiment, I really do, if that’s actually the case.

However, if you are unhealthy, cannot identify or communicate clearly what you want/need, and are not in an emotionally safe relationship where you can be that vulnerable, Valentine’s Day has the potential to absolutely rock :)

<3

Posted on February 8, 2025