It's Time - One Day or Day One

I don’t even know where or how to start.

She started limping yesterday. I think it was yesterday - what even is time between Christmas and New Year’s Day?!?

I know the decision is with, and on, me. It was easier (if that’s possible) with the other dogs as they each died of “cause” and rather suddenly, but this one I have known for a while was coming. And that the ending is on me.

Memory is a funny thing - I have always remembered feelings more than words, or very specific word phrases and not necessarily the whole context. This has both gotten me into trouble and allowed me to see things that don’t always want to be seen.

Our beagle was living a relatively charmed life and while I loved her, she was not “my” dog. That was ok and I had no other expectations. One day I ran across some acquaintances whose dog had had an “accidental” litter. That rogue neighbourhood stud had started a family. “Let’s just go look at them” I said. She laughed as she knew what that meant. “I swear, we will just look today”. Lol. The litter was a husky/rott crossed with a husky/retriever. The puppies were gorgeous. We had read AllTheBooks on “analyzing” the pack to get the “pick”, and sure enough there was one that was super friendly/snuggly and also super content to then just leave us and lie down, separate from us and the rest of the pack. I knew. She knew. But we maintained our commitment and drove home, empty handed.

That next evening, however, we had two dogs in our house, not one. Starbuck. Not possessive or plural, as in the coffee chain, but singular - an ode. That proceeded to confuse most people her whole life except the few whose eyes lit up and said “Battlestar?” - IYKYK.

Huskies are renowned for having one “alpha” and purebreds are known to be challenging. So while some of that was evened out with the cross, Starbuck’s penchant for only listening to me or upon hearing a command from somebody else in the house, stopping to look at me first to make sure I “approved”, at times drove our family nuts. While I found it cute and funny, it was crazy making for them :)

As she grew, she absorbed and levelled and held all of the things. On the kid’s beds while they tried to process school, the office “therapy dog”, on my bed beside me during my roughest times, random people on hikes, friends, family, and strangers.

Not just her kind eyes and her sensitivity, but also her independence.

Her first, and memorable hike, was Diez Vistas - a brief 10km hike. She was just a puppy, it was sleeting by the end of the day, she was a soaked furball, and so so happy!. A Husky. IN SNOW!!

Her first hike with her new sister was Pierce Lakes - 11km and an elevation extravaganza. They were both exhausted, but they bonded.

Her last big, and crazy hike, was Panorama Ridge - an adventurous 30km hike. It was her 11th birthday and she was a trooper! It was super dark at the end, as it gets in forest-blanketed mountains, and she kept trying to make a bed when we would stop to rest for the last 2 km.

So many hikes and adventures in-between. Anytime I would let her know she was coming to the office, she would do mini-jumps and “hop” around the living room. When she heard the leash her ears would perk up and the gleam in her eyes would pop. And oh, my, word. If she saw the backpack and hiking stick?!? She would start to talk like there was no tomorrow!

On hikes she would (somewhat) patiently walk beside me for the first little bit on leash, at least trying to show restraint. When the inevitable “Sit, stay, wait, (remove leash), wait, ok - go!” happened, she was at her absolute happiest. She would sniff like crazy, then run ahead and explore. Once the initial “freedom feeling” had worn off, we got into our hiking rhythm. I would walk (too slowly for her). She would run ahead. Then stop, come back, check in with me and then run ahead again. Or, only come partially back, perch herself somewhere on the trail and wait for me to catch-up and then run ahead again. So. Many. Kms. were travelled this way. Then, sometime during the hike, she would mysteriously return and just walk by my side and not leave me.

She’s leaving me.

And I am the one that needs to call when, and I can’t right now.

Dec 2021 - I notice a growth in her paw. Cancer. Crazy surgery in January that takes about 3 months to heal.

Mar 2023 - Mass cell tumour on her side. It grows, ruptures, covers over and then starts again. We talk through options with the vet and come to the conclusion based on age and her current quality of life (which was still great), no more interventions.

Aug 2024 - Her side tumour stops rupturing but continues to grow.

Dec 2024 - Her paw/forearm is roughly double in size so it’s back, but it’s not impacting her at all. I now know we are very close to it being time.

Dec 31, 2024 - She starts limping. It’s time.

But if I just wait for a few days, it will go away, right?

No, my friend, no. It is not going to magically get better. We are now on a path where we know the destination and you need to lead her there. She has trusted you her whole life to take care of her, guide her, lead her on hikes and she has always followed you and been with you. You must now grant her the serenity of a peaceful conclusion to her care-full life.

The trouble is, she gets this look in her eye like “It’s gonna be ok, Dad. It’s gonna be ok, I can do this, it doesn’t really bother me that much anyway”, because she knows. She knows.

Of all the things she has done for, and with me, I can do this for her.

And it will suck.

Lord have mercy.

Written: 01/01/25 - 09:59 am

Posted on January 8, 2025 #Love #Reflection #Action #Sadness #Grief #Joy #Hiking #Starbuck