It’s been years since she left. Years. That doesn’t always sink in or is reflected in the process or practicalities of life.

During this time, there has been lots of space to process grief. I am so grateful for Megan Divine’s work and the freedom and normalization around the impact of grief. I love her so much.

I had just been chatting earlier in the morning with my therapist on my latest rumble-tangle with grief. We bantered about setting aside time for grief (giving yourself agency), bucketing grief (life must go on), and music. There’s a profound difference between lighting a few candles, sitting down to deliberately immerse yourself in sad music–letting the pool of emotions in your heart be cradled by a beach of acceptance where sadness finds its place in your story–and getting slapped upside the head by a random song.

I got slapped. Hard.

I love music. So much. It helps with my tinnitus, it helps me focus, it provides comfort, it motivates, it uplifts, it comes alongside, it understands. Like poetry, it puts words to the flow of feelings that don’t always get formed into words from my heart. Especially country music.

I also love discovering music. Finding a new song or artist is a massive dopamine hit. 9pm is my favourite time. On Thursdays it’s Release Radar and on Sundays it’s Discover Weekly. I get to be intentional about creating space to discover the new and the awesome, although I do often go 0 for 30 - lol.

As I worked through this week’s list, I saw the title “Someone Who Comes Back”. Even with the millions of songs that have been written since the dawn of time, people’s creative spark and swirl still find ways to craft words into creations that have never seen the breath of day before. I felt that this song had potential to talk about commitment and the choices of coming back when mistakes are made in life, but didn’t give it much more than a “huh!” before I started listening to the song.

The melancholy piano intro should have been my first clue.

They say if you love someone you set ’em free…

Ok - slight pang as I remember a therapist from several therapists ago (yes, I went through a few before I found my forever-therapist) telling me something to that effect… he could have framed it better but I understood what he meant and he wasn’t wrong(ish).

That if it’s meant to be, it’s gonna be

A bit cheesy - almost skipped to the next song.

If you’re holding on, don’t hold on too tight

Ok - I’ll stick it out a bit.

Sounds like a broken heart’s advice

Wait. What? Where is she going with this?

Cuz I don’t wanna be with someone who comes back

Hollup. Why not? That means they choose you. They saw their mistake. They are sorry, they are trying again. Where the hell is she going with this?

Has to fly away to know they don’t want wings

Oy.

I don’t wanna be with someone who comes back
I want to be with someone who never leaves

It took a few seconds for it to click what she sang and then the shock of the slap set in. I was speechless and just started to sob uncontrollably.

Hello, unexpected grief. Thanks for slapping me, you pig bastard.

Written: 01/25/25 - 09:10 am

Posted on January 25, 2025   #Grief     #Music