I spent way, waaaay too much time initially on this writing prompt defining the words. Compromise, concession, concede, consent.

It was then (after impatiently waiting for my Facebook Marketplace seller to get back to me about the Nikon DX AF-S Nikkor 35mm 1:1.8G lens that I agreed to purchase but they never sent me their address), that I realized it has almost nothing to do with the word itself, but the feeling I have towards the word and idea.

We’re all used to dealing with people that just HAVE to have things their way and we always end up feeling like –> we’re <– the ones giving in. Or giving up what we want. Or not being understood.

I’ve spent a lot of time recently with Values work and I’ve realized that a lot of the resentment I have felt in the past is that I have, at times, compromised my values without knowing that it was that what I was doing.

Before you can set boundaries, you need to know what your needs and values are. This requires some deep work so you can understand and communicate those. Once this is done, you can navigate situations and conversations and come to agreements or understanding. Should those, then, be broken repeatedly and intentionally, you can set boundaries to protect those needs and underlying values (thank you Hailey Magee - buy her book “Stop People Pleasing” - she’s great and her book is full of practical advice and steps - full disclosure I took an 8 week course with her and am totally smitten - mostly because she said she’d bake me some cookies - Hailey - I’m still waiting!).

Cookie.

I’m always gonna be distracted by cookies.

Compromise.

Been thinking a lot lately about relationships and what’s important in a relationship and what/where I can compromise. Shudder. I just don’t like that word.

I think it’s tied to “this person is great - she’s really good at xyz even if she doesn’t do abc”. What is my abc that is core to what I am looking for?

I would say music - gotta love music. Is there a compromise there? What if I go the interest route. What is my interest? Ok, brief exposition.

Skip this paragraph if you are already familiar with interest vs position based negotiation or discussion. Let’s say there are two people and one orange and they both want the orange. Position based approach would say they both want it, so just split it in half. They both compromise (they give up half an orange) but at least they get some. Interest based would inquire as to the –> why <– they want the orange. One person wants the zest for the paska bread they are making the other wants the juice to make an Alabama Slammer. Neither has to compromise and they both fully get what they want.

Ok, back to music.

Aside from the practical aspects of music helping me focus, the feeling I get from music is fuel. Happiness, sadness, nostalgia, motivation, relation, understanding, alongside, funny, connecting, fun, the list goes on and on. When I experience music together with somebody there is a shared experience and maybe a shared emotion. So what if somebody doesn’t like listening to music or doesn’t like music (wait - are there people that don’t like music)? What other ways could we establish that shared emotional connection? We could make our own magical music - Ba-dum-tss!! Not discounting that, for I would never discount that, but seriously. Walks, hikes, exercising together, art, cooking, serving, silent dancing, working alongside each other - ok - there are a lot of other ways BUT music when driving or cooking or dancing or exercising?!? I mean, I also love, LOVE silence but I LOVE music. I think, in this case, music draws damn close to a value and within that I need to be with somebody that loves music.

But what if they don’t like country music?

Automatic no.

Sorta joking but not really. It’s one of those genres that you either love or hate - there rarely is middle ground. Country music is embedded in the depths of my soul so if you don’t like country, there is something wrong with you. Hm. Do I have friends that don’t like country? Absolutely - the vast majority of them, actually. Do I still feel loved by them? Yes - because the things we do together often don’t need to involve music: pub night (music is already playing and there are so few/no country bars here), zoom calls, gaming nights, gin nights (background music may be on but it can be almost anything because it’s the cup and the conversation that hold our focus), hiking (don’t you DARE have a speaker on your backpack pumping out music - I will throw you off the cliff). Would any of them go with me to country concert? One - maaaaybe. The rest - nope (I mean I know they would go for me but they would not go because they love country music). Not as important with friends and family, but partners? I wanna share my life, my passions, my joy, my sorrow, my deepest feels with this person. Maybe it would be like if one of their passions is contemporary art. I can appreciate contemporary art and maybe go to a show or two and if it were up to me, I don’t think I would (or do) have a single piece of contemporary art in my house.

Where the hell am I going with this?

Compromise. Right.

I think compromise, to me, is very closely tied to my being, my essence, my values, who I am, so right away it has a negative feeling associated with it.

If I take a step back, of course in relationships there needs to be compromise. You can’t have tacos, taquitos, or tostadas every night of the week while listening to Def Leppard on full blast. Huh. Or maybe you can. Baby, if you’re reading this and this is you, please get in touch.

On things that I have very little emotional energy tied to, it’s easy to compromise or navigate to an interest-focused solution.

I want this black comforter. You hate black, and want a patterned one. The reason why I like the black one is its weight and how it feels. I actually don’t care about the colour/pattern so if we can find one that feels like this, I’m in.

I want to go for a walk. You don’t, and want to snuggle together and watch TV or read. The reason why I want to go for a walk is that I’ve been cooped up all day and need to get some fresh air. I’d love to snuggle after I get some air. You ok to wait a bit while I go for a walk?

I want to sleep in. You want to get up early and drive to see family. The reason why I want to sleep in is because I’m really tired and need some extra zzzs. Are you ok to drive so I can nap while you drive or can we shorten our visit there and then go sit underneath that oak tree and have a power nap together?

You get the idea.

On Values though, I feel the edges along the definitions have been sharpened a bit for me. Not to cut others, but to clearly delineate what’s important to me. Your Top 10 (or 5 or 3) don’t need to match mine and you need to understand and respect mine as I do yours. Upon encouragement (read “do this you little sh!&”) from my therapist, I did a “Top 10” values for a potential future partner - let’s call her Madeline. Using this moniker helps with the example. I did this on a ferry ride back from my friends’ place last year and it just flowed out. It was amazing. And, much to my surprise, Madeline’s Top 10 only shared 2 of my Top 10 values. But understanding mine and knowing hers, and how they compliment each other and drive each other’s actions, helps bring forward the interest based decision/negotiating conversations so it feels win/win vs losing something that’s important.

Or, another way of saying it, what’s important to you and to what level is it important? It’s important to me that the food I cook tastes good and is a pleasant experience and not just fuel. However, on the “critical” scale, I’ll eat bland, overcooked, dry, or different food cooked by somebody else because the importance is relationship and connection and conversation and not solely “this must taste good”. I will probably offer to cook more often if that’s the “norm” though - lol.

Let’s play this out some more. Let’s say I partner-up with somebody that absolutely does not like country music. That part of me, it will not be able to be fully experienced by them - so who gets that? Who do I share that with? Oh my word. Literally just heard my therapist in my ear saying “you are allowed to have needs and wants” - lol!

I think I feel guilty about this is one item I don’t want to compromise on. Like what if I literally find the perfect woman in all other aspects other than liking country music. Would the other items that are important to me surpass this importance? Or what else am I not willing to compromise on? I mean there is a list but this is already turning into a joint Madeline post!

Compromise.

I think it boils down to how I view the process behind the word. If the situation is non-values based and interest-focused dialogue is used, I’m in. If it’s values based, I’m learning to to sit in the discomfort of not compromising.

Still not a fan of the word though.

Posted on February 23, 2025   #writingprompt